


Mistakes

by OneTriesToWrite



Category: Bumilangit Cinematic Universe, Gundala (2019)
Genre: Get ready for some angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-29 08:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20960525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneTriesToWrite/pseuds/OneTriesToWrite
Summary: Ghazul is only human, he's made mistakes.





	Mistakes

Ghazul knew, from the very beginning, that the path he chose would be one where he had to sacrifice everything. To gain one thing, you have to lose another. An eye for an eye. Everything had a price. It only made sense, that’s how life was. He wasn’t supposed to be attached to something, let alone _someone_. He couldn’t afford to, not if he wanted to win.

That was why, when he first met Ganda Hamdan, he had decided that he would only think of him as a tool.

Turned out, it was Ghani Zulham who ended up as the fool.

Ganda was, how should he say it... _Enthralling_. From the very moment his eyes caught him, Ghazul knew this was the man he needed for the job. He was relatively strong; obedient; and most importantly, he was dumb. At least dumb enough for Ghazul to manipulate anyway, rather easily, even. The perfect kind of henchman. One who was too afraid to say no and too stupid to ask questions, but still capable of getting the job done.

It wasn’t hard for Ghazul to start ordering him around like the lackey Ganda was. From being his personal chauffeur to a grave digger, Ganda proved himself to be much more capable of what Ghazul had expected from him. Maybe Ganda didn’t only have a braincell, maybe he had two.

_Yes, this was more than enough_, Ghazul thought. He was satisfied with it. As long as he kept it like this, it’d be fine.

Except he didn’t keep it like that. Ghazul knew he should’ve drawn the line between them sooner. It was the first mistake he made.

He should have scolded Ganda when the man looked at him with such soft gaze. How could he? The only thing that should fill his gaze when he met Ghazul’s eyes was fear, not something like that. The man was pushing his 30s, for God’s sake, how could he look at Ghazul like a lovestruck teenager?

_It’s fine_, Ghazul thought that time, he was only rewarding Ganda for the work he’d done, there was nothing special or intimate about it. A few treats here and there just to make sure Ganda felt appreciated and refused to leave him was only proper. As long as he didn’t return it.

That was Ghazul’s second mistake.

He should’ve pulled his hand away when Ganda touched it that night, he shouldn’t have let Ganda’s fingers lingered there long enough that mere touch turned into a grip. And Ghazul definitely shouldn’t have held Ganda’s hand back.

Even until now, he didn’t know why he did at the time, because what came after that was much worse.

He should’ve yelled at Ganda when he patted his head. He should’ve pushed Ganda away when he hugged him. He should’ve slapped Ganda when he kissed his temple. He should’ve punched Ganda when he dared kiss him on the lips. Hell, he shouldn’t have kissed him back. He shouldn’t have let Ganda did all those things to him.

But instead, he did, and felt complete. This was something he never knew he needed, but now that he did, he didn’t know how he could’ve survived all this time without it. But even if he was happy, it didn’t shut that dark whispering voice on the back of his mind.

_This is a mistake_, said the voice. _I know_, Ghazul thought. He knew it all too well, but didn’t he at least deserve this? Even just for a moment? He’d spent his whole life in the dark, surely even someone like him deserved a bit of happiness.

Right?

Yet he still couldn’t shake the thought out of his head. It consumed him.

_This is a mistake_.

He repeated it in his mind again, and again, and again, every day and night like it was some sort of mantra. Maybe if he said it enough, it would stop the butterflies in his stomach from fluttering everytime he saw Ganda smiling _at _him.

It didn’t.

He knew he had to stop, it was only time before his plan came to fruit. He had come so far, he couldn’t afford making another mistake, so he tried avoiding Ganda. Under the guise of practicing under Ki Wilawuk, Ghazul stopped seeing him. He spent most of his days in Ki Wilawuk’s chambers, or in his room, reading manuscripts, whatever it took to get him away from Ganda. Ganda didn’t say anything, he just nodded his head understandingly and walked out of his place.

Passing days turned to weeks, and at one time he actually managed to not to think about Ganda for once. It helped him eased the beat of his heart and loosened the knots in his guts the next time he saw the way Ganda’s face brightened when he looked at him. _A bit_.

But it was enough, it was an on-going progress. Sooner or later, the aching would stop, then everything would turn back to how it was supposed to be, before he made those mistakes.

When Ki Wilawuk told him that he could teach Ghazul some of his powers, Ghazul didn’t refuse. He was just a mortal who had no power whatsoever, all he had was knowledge, and while that was important, he wouldn’t say no to obtaining _more_. He knew there must’ve been a catch, though, surely something so powerful like that had a price, because that was just how life was, wasn't it? 

“**_I need the heart of the person you hold dear_**,” Ki Wilawuk’s words were cold and sharp. “**_Bring me it to show your determination, if you can do that, then you can acquire what I’m about to teach you_**.”

The words echoed in his head. _The heart of the person he held dear_. Ghazul had no person like that in his life. His parents died long time ago, he had no other families, he had no one he could call ‘friends,’ not even a lover. He had always been alone. He had no one.

No one except for Ganda.

Ghazul shut his eyes tightly when the thought crossed his mind. A sudden sharp piercing spasm of pain was felt in his heart.

Wasn’t this his plan from the beginning? Wasn’t Ganda supposed to be just a tool? Who he only used when it was necessary? Whose presence could be so easily discarded and substituted when he didn’t need him anymore? Wasn’t this the whole reason he actually let Ganda in his life to begin with?

If so, then why did his chest hurt so much at the thought of killing Ganda?

Ghazul wasn’t the kind of man who wouldn’t dirty his own hands, he’d done whatever it took him to achieve his goals. He’d done murders, faking alliances, sexual endeavors, everything. So surely murdering one man and retrieving his heart in exchange for some sort of supernatural power from a reanimated centuries-old magical man was just another thing up in his to-do list, right?

Ghazul bit his lip. He didn’t know if he could do it. Maybe he could just kill some random person and bring their heart to Ki Wilawuk instead. A man’s heart looked similar from one another, maybe Ki Wilawuk would believe in him, but there was also a possibility of Ki Wilawuk immediately telling his lie and he’d probably kill him for trying to mess with him.

No. Ghazul couldn’t risk it. He had to do it. He brought it upon himself, he had to redeem his mistakes.

He called up Ganda that night, the man didn’t need to be asked twice before arriving on Ghazul’s doorsteps. The moment Ganda stood in front of him, before he could even say a word, Ghazul pulled him in to his embrace, holding him tight, burying his face into Ganda’s shoulder, leaving Ganda confused.

“Ghani?”

_Don’t call me that_.

Ganda just awkwardly stood there. “What’s wrong?” he asked softly, patting Ghazul’s head.

_This_ was his chance. He should make it quick, make it less painful for them both.

So why couldn’t he move his body?

A minute passed without any of them moving or saying anything. “Ghani, look at me,” Ganda’s voice was as comforting as ever, but it felt like a stab through Ghazul’s chest. The older man cupped Ghazul’s face, his gaze gentle and kind. “Is everything okay?”

_No_, Ghazul gritted his teeth, but the word couldn't come out from his mouth. His breath heavy, his eyes felt wet. God please don’t let him cry now. “Yes,” he finally mumbled, his voice low and shaking, “Just shut up and take me to bed for God’s sake.”

Ganda wasn’t a complete idiot, even he could tell that something was wrong, but when Ghazul pulled him by the collars of his shirt for a rough and sloppy kiss, he let him be. When Ghazul’s mouth was on his, when he pinned him on the wall as his mouth grew increasingly persistent, his tongue licking along the seam of Ganda’s lips, demanding entry, Ganda quietly obliged. When Ghazul broke the kiss just to pull Ganda’s hand, leading him to his bedroom, Ganda could only obey. When Ghazul’s tongue was back in his mouth for a split second before pushing him down towards the bed, Ganda simply complied without saying a word.

Ghazul made his way and sat on top of Ganda’s body, no one said anything, the only noise just the soft panting of each other’s breath.

This was it. All he had to do was to pull the blade from his pocket and stab him there. Simple and clean. Quick and effective. Pull out and stab. That was it. No words needed.

Again, his body refused to move.

_Why_? Frustation filled his mind. Why couldn’t he do it? He had killed before, this wasn’t the first time he had to resort to this method of seduce and execute. He’d done it numerous times, in fact, without batting an eye. So why?

_Why why why why why why why wh_—

“Do it.”

Ghazul blinked. What did Ganda just—

“I saw the knife,” Ganda whispered after the long silence, much to Ghazul’s shock. “I might be stupid, but I’m not _that _stupid,” he said, his hands moved to grab and pull the hidden blade from Ghazul’s pants pocket and putting it in Ghazul’s palm.

Ghazul refused to grab it, but Ganda forced him to keep holding on the knife.

“It’s alright,” Ganda smiled.

Ghazul didn’t, and for him, it wasn’t alright. His tears started falling. He must’ve looked horrible. He wanted to scream, but his voice didn’t come out. He wanted to run, but his legs couldn’t move. His whole body was shaking. Ganda held his hands, softly, his fingers rubbing the back of his hand, tightening Ghazul’s grip to his blade.

“I’m aware this is what I’m for,” Ganda’s tone was painfully calm for a man who was about to be killed. “I know.”

_No you don’t_, Ghazul wanted to scream those words. _You're not, not anymore_.

“Make it easy and quick for the both of us, won’t you?” Ganda chuckled ironically.

_There’s nothing easy about this, you fool_.

Ghazul bit his lips so hard, he almost tore the skin of his lips. He didn’t know what he was waiting for. Ganda already gave him the permission to do so, what else did he need?

“I love you, Ghani.”

The way Ganda looked at him so tender and _loving_, the way Ganda kept a smile on his face as the blade ran through his skin, the way he coughed out blood, _still smiling_, caressing Ghazul’s face as he whispered assurance with his last breath, and the way his hand fell to his side, his eyes closed, his expression _painfully __peaceful_. Those images would be engraved on the back of Ghazul’s mind forever.

Ghazul didn’t even get the chance to tell Ganda how much he loved him too.

Another mistake made.

So Ghazul apologized, and he kept apologizing, again and again, and again, crying words of ‘_I love you_’s as he scrambled his shaky fingers inside Ganda’s chest.

Ghazul didn’t know how he managed to fall asleep that night, and the nights after that.

The morning Ghazul woke up in an empty bed, sweating from the thought of that night, tears streaming down his cheeks, and his own heart aching for Ganda and his touches, that was his biggest mistake.


End file.
